Formulas for Success That Don't Work

When I was a eighteen-years old I was a big fan of Benjamin Franklin.  I scribbled lists of his words of wisdom and aphorisms on pieces of paper and carried them everywhere with me.  Didn't you?  I wanted to be successful.  I wanted admiration, respect and approval.  I was searching for a success formula and Benjamin Franklin seemed to have it. Here were some of my favorites:

• Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
• God helps those that help themselves.
• There are no gains without pains.
• He that waits on fortune is never sure of a dinner.
• Lost time is never found again.
• Plough deep while sluggards sleep, and you will have corn to sell and to keep.
• Keep thy shop, and thy shop will keep thee.
• Industry, perseverance, and frugality make fortune yield.

I was also a big fan of the book of Proverbs.  I memorized entire chapters.  They contained formulas for success and I was all over it.  Here were some of my favorite verses:

• Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.
• A hard-working farmer has plenty to eat, but it is stupid to waste time on useless projects.
• Hard work will give you power; being lazy will make you a slave.
• No matter how much a lazy person wants something, he will never get it. A hard worker will get everything he wants.

I grew up in a fundamentalist home that embraced hard work, legalism and strict adherence to rules.  To enforce compliance, we faced high levels of fear, shame and guilt associated with rule breaking.  It was a formula.  A formula for life, here and in the hereafter.  I embraced it.

For five years during my college years (yes it took me five years - there was traffic), I trained in martial arts.  These arts were appealing to me as they included books and lists of techniques, methodologies and scripts, plus a system of rewards for practicing them.  It was another success formula.  I added these to my collection.  Here are some of the things I learned:

• You can do anything you put your mind to
• If you believe you can do it, you can
• Practice does not make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect
• Mental toughness outweighs physical toughness
• Push through your limits
• Limits are in your mind

Shortly after I graduated from Portland State University, I joined Dale Carnegie and Associates.  This was a company that sold, get this, success formulas!  I felt like Christopher Columbus discovering new continents each time I found another list of success formulas.  My confidence was sky high.  I wondered why everyone wasn't following my exact path to guaranteed success.

Here are a few of the Dale Carnegie principles from his book How to Win Friends and Influence People.  I added these principles to my collection and carried them with me:

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation
3. Arouse in the other person and eager want (good salesmanship)
4. Become genuinely interested in the other person
5. Smile
6. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest most important sound
7. Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves
8. Talk in terms of the other person's interests
9. Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely
10. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
11. Show respect for the other person's opinions, never say you are "wrong"
12. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

My next career move was to work under the mentorship of a wealthy entrepreneur, real estate mogul and founder of a software start-up.  He had a demonstrable and proven success formula!  He taught me wealth principals from the street.  Ones not taught in schools.  These were the rules of entrepreneurship, the real success formulas.  Here are a few things I learned:

1. The rich do things different than others.  They have different strategies.
2. Don't pay others, when you can do it yourself.
3. Live simply, work hard, invest in property and be an entrepreneur.
4. The rich build businesses and are entrepreneurial.
5. The rich are creative and think outside the box.
6. When you meet obstacles, there are always ways to get around them.
7. Ignore many of the rules, they are meant for others.
8. Get a job to earn investment money.  A job pays bills, but wealth builds a life.
9. Wealth is not earned in classrooms, but on the street.
10. Don't take advice on how to build wealth from a poor man.
11. Use the bank's money to build your business, not your own.
12. Protect your assets.  Avoid all unnecessary taxes.
13. The real secrets to success are not written in books and published by best sellers.
14. Earn your money at home, but spend it elsewhere.  Don't draw attention or show-off.

I carried my world class collection of success formulas with me everywhere.  They were my guarantees.  I was proud, very proud of my collection.  I was obnoxious.  I knew success was inevitable and I was putting in the hours and making sure everyone knew it.  I would look over a room full of people and feel sad for them.  Sad they didn't have my collection and future.

Then I failed, and failed again.  I was shocked.  How was it possible?  What about my formulas, hard work and rule compliance?  Where was God?

It was a dark day filled with shame, that I drove my beloved Jeep Grand Cherokee, the mark of my imminent success, to the bank and parked it there.  I could no longer make the payments.

The problem with formulas is they are only as good as their application. I tried to indiscriminately apply success formulas in wrong ways and in wrong places.  I was foolish and naive.

I had been the top salesperson in a small software company, but I couldn't make the software company successful.  I applied one good formula (good salesmanship), when dozens of good formulas were required to succeed.  I thought I could sell enough products to make the company a success, but I was wrong.

I accepted jobs at companies with bad business models and drunkard bosses.  I thought I could achieve success despite the environment.  I was wrong.

I went to work for a start up software company that had big ambitions, but not the appetite for the required investment and risk.  I thought I could help them succeed purely through hard work, my super powers and long hours. I was wrong.

I said yes to every request, task, job and responsibility to prove myself and gain the approvals of my employers and employees.  I worked my way up the ladder to the position of CEO.  I thought I could do anything and everything myself.  I thought if only I worked hard enough and used my formulas I could conquer the world.  Limitations?  I had none that couldn't be overcome.  I was wrong.

I ended up at the doctor's office, suffering anxiety attacks, in poor health and a nervous wreck.  I had lost 16 lbs in a matter of weeks and hadn't slept in four days.  I had just resigned from my CEO position before I could be fired.

In my arrogance, I had expected and believed I deserved success.  Life owed it to me. God owed it to me.  I had worked hard, collected the formulas and applied them.  I had prayed for success.  I had asked for God's blessing!  I had followed the rules, applied the formulas, worked hard and encouraged God to keep pace with me.

I was deeply humiliated and embarrassed to tell friends and family about our situation.  We made up excuses not to go places where money was required.  I was filled with shame.  I had tried my very best and failed.  My life and work paradigms had collapsed. My personal mental, emotional and physical limitations, previously ignored now became crystal clear. I thought I was invincible, but had proved otherwise.

I remember looking out the window of my study and shaking my head in disbelief.  How could this have happened to me?  I was college educated, mentored, raised in a stable middle class and God fearing family. Yet with all these advantages I had failed.

Decades of War, Lawlessness and Brutal Violence

I remember wondering how a person born without my advantages and formulas could possibly succeed in America.  What if a person was born in a region of the world suffering from: wars, poverty, violence, endemic crime, sickness, institutionalized corruption, lack of education, food, health care, employment opportunities, dysfunctional political and economic environments? What if the person was traumatized from an early age by violence and abuse? How would this person possibly manage the complexities of life, education and career in America, when I, with all my advantages couldn't?

God had new plans.  I was out of a job, but my phone kept ringing and emails started pouring in. Software companies I knew kept calling me and asking for advice and help with projects.  Soon I was busy consulting full time, writing, speaking and running a small online publishing company.  It was not my plan.  After a few months, God blessed our new venture with success beyond our imaginations.  Shawna soon quit her job and joined me full time. Who would have thought or predicted this?

Kiziba Refugee Camp, Rwanda

In 2012 God knocked on our door and brought a refugee community into our lives.  He introduced us to families that had survived decades in war torn Africa. These impoverished families without a country of their own, arrived in Boise, Idaho traumatized, speaking different languages and confused. Some arrived in the middle of the Boise winter, wearing sandals and tropical clothing.  They walked out of the airport into blowing snow.

It is hard to imagine the challenges refugees face when they arrive in America from Africa.  Everything about America is different than their life in a refugee camp.  The language, culture, ethics, food, manners, etiquette, housing, concepts of time, expectations, scheduling non-stop meetings, riding buses and adjusting to the cold. The paper work is immense (all in English).  If you miss one box or line, you can miss out on food, housing, healthcare, language classes, etc.  There are vultures in America too. People that target new refugees and take advantages of them.

Often refugees arrive in America already suffering.  They are too weak physically and traumatized mentally to live the "American dream."  They are sick, exhausted, suffering from injuries, diseases and emotionally exhausted from years of war and violence.  It takes time to recover.  Ambitious energizer bunny volunteers, often have to slow down and learn that healing is required.

God introduced us to these traumatized survivors and said help them.  Assist them with life, school, healthcare, church, culture, transportation and work in America.  Welcome and mentor them. Because of our own experiences, anxieties and failures, we felt compassion for these families. We had empathy for their anxieties, confusion and fears.  We felt compelled to befriend them.

The first refugee family we became friends and mentors to had just become homeless in America. After surviving unspeakable horror and violence, starvation, fear and years of trauma in Africa, they won life's lottery ticket to come to America.  But when we met them they were homeless in America. I was to put it simply, angry.  How could we let this family that had suffered so much in the war zones of Africa come to America and freeze on the streets of Boise, Idaho. They had missed filling out the right paperwork, attending the right meetings and seeing the right experts.  They had fallen through the cracks and were without a home, money or winter clothes.

Settled in Boise, Idaho

It has been two-years now since we met them and many others. Our lives have been so much richer for it. Our family has now grown by dozens and our home is often overflowing with happy African children. This experience has brought us to a whole new level of joy and purpose.  We thank God for His infinite wisdom, grace, wisdom and guidance.

My business successes and failures, and the lessons I have learned are not wasted.  They are an important part of my story.  I learned that none of my success formulas were useful without wisdom and an understanding as to when to apply them and when to ignore them.  My days of dark introspection were followed by enlightenment.  My days of depending on my own skills and formulas have evolved into grateful dependence on God.  I now recognize and understand my talents and my limitations. Recognizing my own limitations freed me.  Freed me from trying to be what I am not, and allowing me to focus my energies on growing the talents that God has provided me and caring for others.

Jobless in Seattle

When our kids were young, we packed up and moved to Seattle seeking work.  I had been searching for months and we were broke.  We needed a job in the worst way.  I received an offer and we felt God had opened a door to a new career.

My new job, as an international commodity trader, started off well, but within weeks my new boss died in a drunken stupor and the company shut down the project I was working on.  I found myself out of work again.  I was crushed.  We had bet everything on the job working out.  We needed the income desperately.

I tried to keep my emotions in check until we got home, but I couldn't.  Tears spilled out and my voice cracked.  I wept with my little family in the car on a dark rainy freeway in the middle of evening rush hour.  I looked through my tears and rain splattered windshield at all the cars with drivers that were coming home from work, and going back to work in the morning. Work I was without. What kind of man can't support his family?  I was humiliated and filled will guilt and shame. I was pained by the anxiety my lovely wife did not deserve.

Our little family comforted each other as best we could, but we were frightened.  We were in need of love, community and support.  We needed hugs.  It was about this time that the local pastor of a church we had attended a few times came by for a visit.  He sat down on the couch smiling, welcomed us to the community, and then launched into a lengthy condemnation and shaming of my wife for wearing earrings, and for me as the husband, for allowing it.  This was one of the least successful welcomings I have ever experienced.  I doubt this technique is taught any longer in the Evangelism and Church Growth 101 class.

It was on that visit that we were clearly shown the depths of the chasm that separates religious dogma from Jesus' way.  The last thing in the world we needed at that moment in time, was condemnation and shaming for not supporting a prescribed set of religious dogma.  To this day we carry the pain and scars of that pastor's visit.

"I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil, but rather have us wasting time.  This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious.  If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God. ~ Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

Donald Miller and The Authentic Story

What story do you need to tell the world?  That is the question posed by writer and actress Susan Isaac at the Donald Miller's Storyline conference recently.  The answer - the story you cannot, not tell.  That's deep I know!  I had never before realized I had a personal story worth telling.  At least not one that could be told in public.  The story I was willing to share was will... false.  It was the story of my mask.

Kevin & Shawna with Donald Miller

It was at the conference, however, while reading Donald Miller's new book Scary Close (Awesome but not publicly available until early 2015), that I realized that my personal story, the one worth telling, is my authentic story.  The one I am too frightened to reveal. The page-turner Jesus reads!  The one that keeps Him on the edge of His heavenly seat/throne reading all night. Not the carefully edited, scrubbed versions I sell to those across the pew or on Facebook.

I learned truth is compelling.  It is filled with incredible suspense, adventure and struggles!  The stuff all good stories are made of! Just read authors like Jen Hatmaker, Glennon Melton or Shauna Niequist that are bestsellers and/or have tens of thousands of online readers.  They are often jaw-dropping authentic in their descriptions of life. They share their feelings, pains, mistakes, regrets, shames, fears and joys.  They drop their masks and the world says, "Me too! I have felt that pain.  I have made that mistake.  I have experienced that fear. I have felt that shame."

The notion of being authentic is alien to me.   It feels like leather shoes worn in the river and left in the sun to dry - uncomfortable!  Perhaps with time they will soften and fit.  I think it is that whole thing about being born with a sinful nature.  Our sinful natures are shameful and must be tamed and repressed, but not talked about or shared.  The problem is this is a major deal in our lives and it is off-limits!  How can we be authentic with friends when some of our biggest issues, challenges and battles are faced alone and in secret?

I learned early on that a mask has value.  It is an efficiency thing I think.  I wanted a certain desirable image that was rewarded in my fundamentalist community.  The mask portrayed the desirable image in bright colors. Behind the mask, I could hide my sinful nature, fears, flaws, weaknesses, temptations, insecurities, guilt and shame.  The mask worked.  It covered most of me and I wore it well.

The strange thing is, I wore my mask with pride.  I thought I wore it better than most.  I was skilled in the way of the mask.  The mask nearly became me like a grafted tree limb.  The unrecognized tragedy though, is you can't form close, authentic, loving and sincere relationships with masks.  The long term result of mask wearing is insincere politeness.  In a room full of mask wearers, there is a lot of small talk  going on.  Shallow and meaningless talk that avoids anything deeply personal or important.

I am pained by the memory of many lost friendships that slipped away as a result of my chronic mask wearing.

When I was newly married to Shawna, we lived up a long gravel driveway in a forest in Southwestern Washington.  We cut down trees, cleared our own land, burned the brush, built a road, and moved a used single wide trailer house onto the property like any respectable redneck would. During the summers we would often hike down a steep wooded trail to the river and walk in the cool waters to escape the brief summer heat.  All summer heat is brief in SW Washington.

Each year as the river waters receded, tunnels made by grumpy beavers were exposed in the muddy banks. These were not small tunnels. We lost dogs in them.  The tunnels were lined with sticky grey clay that was ideal for molding. We smeared the clay all over our faces and bodies.  Oh the crazy things newlyweds do!  It was like finding a limitless supply of Play-Doh in your backyard with no mother around to spank you for grinding it into the carpet! We formed bulging foreheads, elongated ears, horns, bulbous noses, etc. We would slap on the grey oozing clay and leave the mask to bake in the sun.

Before becoming a refund (a recovering-fundamentalist) and learning about authenticity, I always had a mask close by.  Sadly I believed it was my mission in life to wear and promote masks, and to invite others to wear them as well. In my mind, a perfect world was everyone wearing a mask just like mine.

My school friends were smarter than I.  Unfortunately, I didn't set the mark high.  They saw right through the hypocrisy of mask wearing and walked away.  They didn't see mask wearers modeling joy filled authentic lives overflowing with vibrant and thriving friendships. Lives that embraced the full spectrum and scale of human emotions and God gifted spirituality.  Mask wearers cannot experience those things in their fullness.  My friends sought and found authenticity elsewhere.

When you wear a mask that looks like everyone elses, no one is interest in it. No one buys movie tickets to see a sequel to a boring movie.  The mask prevents our incredibly interesting authentic stories to be heard.

I still feel uncomfortable without my mask, but I've got good stories to tell and write now!  At times though, I still find myself reaching for the mask, not the whole mask, but a half a mask like the character in the Phantom of the Opera.  Masks are hard to leave.

One of the activities in Donald Miller's Life Plan workbook is to review your life and identify the major ups and downs you have experienced.  You then study them for a life theme.  This was a challenge for me.  I think I have edited my life theme every day since I began.  I keep finding myself writing themes for masks, rather than my authentic life.  Authenticity is a habit I am still forming.  It will take some time.

Connecting the Physical with the Empty Spaces in Your Mind

Lisbon Life 2014

When I was eight years-old I drew a map.  I still have it.  I stumble upon it every few years when I am rummaging or moving.  The sight of it, is like a light beam shining on where my childhood lies hidden in darkness on a dusty shelf.  In the circle of light there is an explosion of memories, sights, sounds, smells and emotions. The map contains drawings of great battle sites, names of secret tunnels, tree forts, abandoned houses, stripped cars, blackberry shrubs, wild apple, hazelnut and cherry trees, the faces of lost friends and the hidden paths that connect them all.

The locations on the map had names like; the islands, the ferns, happy hippie hideout, typewriter fort, motorcycle jumps, stoners' camp, the VW, the dump, the white house, attack dogs and the secret trail.  Each location contains a library of stories.

Without the map, my memories would be disconnected and faded.  The map ties them together into a story with a timeline, location and story collection in a way that a blank piece of paper would not. Maps of the world are similar.  Seeing thin inked borders outlined on a map do not elicit a powerful response from my senses or emotions.  They remain lines on paper surrounding unexplored territory. Empty spaces call out to me.

Traveling, adventuring and experiencing fill in the blanks between the borders.  These activities are the work of collectors.  Collectors of memories, faces, smiles, conversations, coffee shops, pubs, cigarette smoke, buildings, music, cobblestone alleys, insights, comforts and discomforts.

Lisbon 2014

As often as possible, Shawna and I look for empty spaces between the lines, and feel the urge to populate the spaces with a new story to add to our collection.

I remember sitting with Shawna a few years ago and looking at a map of the USA.  There were many empty spaces on our geographical mind map. The great state of Maine appeared blank.  We had indirect impressions, but our personal mind maps were blank.  They contained no stories. We solved that.  The outline of Maine is now packed floor to ceiling with memories and stories.

My USA Travels

In the bible, stories are connected with time lines, locations, genealogies, journeys, experiences, people, insights, tragedies and celebrations.  They are mind maps filled to the ceiling with collected stories.  What makes the bible special in ways other historic books aren't, is that the story includes our story own.  When we travel we are thrilled to stand on the location of these recorded events and to let their stories and our senses experience them.  And then to connect their stories with our own.

Last week Shawna and I attended Donald Miller's Storyline conference.  It was insightful, motivating, inspirational and informative.  We learned that we all live a story worth telling, but rarely do we share it.  The vast majority of us will take our stories to the grave.  To me that is a monumental tragedy.